A Practical Guide for Looking French in France.

Monaco (2/10/11): Pay no attention to my horrible squinty face. The sun was so bright! Instead look how pretty the water is!

1) Always look like you’re in a hurry. If you’re not mowing people over, you are obviously not French. Also, don’t bother excusing yourself.  Dig your elbow into a soft spot on the person lollygagging in front of you and push that fool out of the way. You’ve got places to be!

2a) Do not look surprised that half of all French people bring their dogs everywhere, often dressed in   silly clothes. The other day I saw this poor little poodle-like dog squeezed into a ridiculously tight fabric tube-like garment. All you could see was a puff of fur at either end. I think he also threw me a glance that said “Please help me.” Somewhere, I’m pretty sure someone is missing a legwarmer.

2b) Furthermore, do not look surprised when the person with the oddly dressed dog in front of you suddenly stops to let it take a big steamy poop on the sidewalk and then casually walks away without bothering to clean it up.  In fact, don’t be surprised you see this happening with two or three dogs at the exact same time.

3) As a direct result of number 2, ALWAYS watch where you step. This is crucial. Recently my friend Carrie was here in Nice doing the same program as me. She said you haven’t actually experienced Nice until you’ve stepped in a heaping pile of dog poo.

4) Smoke. Always smoke. Smoke like a chimney. If your head is not constantly enveloped in a cloud of cigarette smoke, you’re obviously not French.

5) Do not travel as a herd of loud English speakers. That is no way to meet the locals…unless of course by “meet” you mean “get pickpocketed.”

6) Do not carry around a gigantic map. If you must have a map, be discreet about it or you will probably be accosted by skeezy people trying to “help” you...or you’ll be pickpocketed. The first couple days I was here and needed to use a map, I grabbed one of those free newspapers they are always handing out on street corners and tucked the map discreetly into that. 

7) Do not look depressed when “breakfast” consists of a tiny slice of baguette and jam. Didn’t they learn that breakfast is the most important meal of the day?! French people are notoriously skinny. I’m starting to understand why.

8) However, if you are in France you must always demand a minimum 2 hour lunch break. I assume that this must mainly consist of smoking cigarettes, talking, and blatantly staring at other people.

9) If you have a job, you and your fellow employees must always go on strike. This is especially crucial if you work in a service-oriented field like public transportation or education. As a foreigner trying to blend in, just learn to always anticipate a strike of some kind interfering with your plans.

10) DO NOT EVER convert euros to dollars in your head!!!! Don’t do the math…just don’t.  It’s already depressing enough to discover that dental floss is 3 euros. 3!?!?!…but then when you convert it to dollars….well, how badly do I want that chicken out of my teeth?

Word of the day:

Grève (feminine noun)- a strike. Yesterday’s bus trip to Monaco was significantly less pleasant and overcrowded than it normally would have been. Buses were off schedule due to “une grève.”